Last week Nancy wrote a post on taking partial vacations with kids, and all the controversy her parenting style has stirred up on a certain family travel internet board. Hmm, I wonder what those folks would say if I told them that my husband and I are planning to go to South Pacific for two weeks and will only meet up with our kids for three days in Australia?
While I’m at it, I might even mention that I started giving formula to my children when they were just three months old. Gasp! Nah, one of the resident mommy-shamers may have a mini-stroke, and I would feel really bad.
All joking aside, as far as I’m concerned, our family travel arrangements are nobody’s business. It’s between me, my husband and my in-laws. If I’m being honest, I didn’t really ask my kids if they will be OK. They can’t possibly answer that question because they’ve never been in this situation before. Do I have reservations about the whole plan? You bet! I’m very, very nervous. It’s highly unlikely that we will ever repeat this type of a trip again. But the die is cast, and I intend to make the best of the situation.
Going on trips without kids is a controversial topic, for sure. I’ve seen folks basically compare it to child abuse. At the very least, you are considered to be a selfish parent. If you are a married couple with kids, and are debating on whether to go on your first getaway without them, I urge you not to worry about what strangers on the internet or even your friends think about this topic.
Let’s be honest, marriage is hard. Prepare to do the work or face the consequences. In addition, we live in an extremely busy/stressful world. My husband often works till 7-8 PM. By the time he gets home, he has just enough time to read to the kids and then he crashes from exhaustion. Many days we don’t say more than a few sentences to each other. Weekends aren’t much better because he has to deal with various IT projects that run during non-working (for most people) hours.
Add to it various responsibilities he has in connection with our religion and at times, it feels like we are basically two roommates sharing a living space. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining. This is the reality of the world we live in, and I bet many of you are able to relate to what I just said. All in all, I feel very blessed because at least I do see my husband each and every day. Many wives who have a spouse that constantly travels for business don’t even get that.
But all the stress of raising children, work and other commitments takes its toll on a marriage. It just does. It requires effort to reconnect as a couple, and trips without kids can certainly help. They force you to focus on each other whether you like it or not.
Let me address some of the concerns you may have:
1) We really don’t have any extra money in the budget for something like that.
As someone who falls into middle-class category, I can relate to that concern. The thing is, you don’t really have to spend a fortune. We went on our first couple getaway when my daughter was only twelve months old. I used IHG points and booked one night at a Holiday Inn Express that was on the PointBreaks list (only 5k points per night). It was located near a highway and there wasn’t anything special about it. It didn’t matter. My husband and I had a great time!
It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. The goal is to spend quality time with your spouse. A great thing about this hobby is that it gives you permission to travel. Parting with cash is much harder than parting with hotel points acquired via sign-up bonus or promotion.
2) What if our trip ends up being a bust?
It might. Some of our getaways resulted in huge (yuuuge!) arguments. Being alone with your spouse can be a blessing and a curse. There are no kids to distract you, so you end up focusing on each other’s annoying quirks. It helps to be determined not to let it ruin the trip, but things happen. My husband and I are polar opposites. He is laid-back, I’m intense, he doesn’t like to talk, I talk way too much. And so on and so forth.
Couple-only getaways are not a panacea for a troubled marriage, but I’m a firm believer that honest communication always helps.
3) I really hate asking my in-laws (or relatives) to take our kids for few nights.
You won’t know how they feel unless you approach the subject. Obviously, you only want to leave your kids with people who actually like having them around. I know I would. We are very fortunate to have in-laws who really love my children, and my sister-in-law is basically like a second mom to them.
4) I’m very concerned that the kids will be sad the whole time we are gone.
I can totally relate to that, but the truth is, if you go on couple getaways on a regular basis, it will become part of their routine. They will know that mom and dad do trips without them on occasion, and that it’s OK. In our case, my in-laws usually plan a mini-vacation of their own with the kids, and everyone ends up having a good time.
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p style=”text-align: center;”>Do my kids look sad to you?
It’s a win-win scenario because it also allows my in-laws to spend quality time with the grandkids. But even if they don’t get a vacation out of it, children will survive somehow.
5) I’m afraid I will be worried sick about the kids the whole time and won’t enjoy the getaway. So what’s the point?
The truth is, bad things happen, that’s the reality of life. But the thing is, they can happen when you are there too. You can’t plan for every single eventuality, sometimes you have to take a leap of faith. Of course, it helps to have a contingency plan.
If you are super nervous, plan a getaway that is within a short driving distance. That way, you can be there quickly in case things go wrong. We’ve had to cut few trips short when our son or daughter suddenly started running a fever. The younger the kids are, the more they need their parents.
Bottom line
Having kids changes a family dynamic, and things are never the same afterwards. However, it doesn’t mean that the marriage has to be put on the back burner till they become adults.
The other day my son picked some berries and made a “smiley face” toast for me. Here is what it looked like:
He said it represents the happiness in our family. Hearing it almost made me cry and yes, I ate it, stems and all. Despite all the dysfunction and my many failings as a parent, he considers us a happy family.
Author: Leana
Leana is the founder of Miles For Family. She enjoys beach vacations and visiting her family in Europe. Originally from Belarus, Leana resides in central Florida with her husband and two children.
We’ve left our kids (7 and 10) for between 1-2 weeks for the last 4 years. My mom comes and stays with them, and I feel incredibly lucky. The time away makes our marriage stronger because (as I tell my kids) it helps us remember why we fell in love in the first place. My kids don’t love having a Grandma come because she has a lot more rules and punishments than I do, but I figure it’s good for them to see how lucky they have it with me 😉 And even if they don’t love time alone with Grandma now, they’ll look back fondly when they’re older (I hope!) I can speak from experience because my mom used to drop us off with her parents at the beginning of the summer (every other year) and pick us up two months later:)
@CynthiaThat sounds like a wonderful arrangement! And I agree, your kids may not appreciate the time with grandma now, but I bet they will look with fondness on it later. My mom also used to leave me and my sister with relatives for few months each summer. I actually looked forward to it!
In fact, many times she would put us on the train and her aunt would meet us at the station. I think I was 13-14 years old at the time. Not sure I would feel comfortable doing it with my daughter, but that’s just how people did things back then.
Everyone should do what is best for their family.
It’s funny Nancy gets judged on partial-family vacations, you get judged on childless vacations, and my husband and I get judged for taking our kids everywhere. People are incredible.
Our choice is made for us, it’s either take the kids or stay at home. Out of 6 siblings between us, not a one offered to even keep our 22 month old while we were in the hospital having baby #2. And grandparents are either dead or elderly so they are not a viable option either. We are on our own but we knew that when we started our family.
Nothing makes my blood boil faster than people asking us why we are taking the kids here or there “because they won’t remember it”! Grrr! It infuriates me. With that being said, you and your kids are so lucky to have other people on earth that love them, enjoy spending time with them, and are able to care for them. Enjoy your trip and ignore the haters.
@Lindy I think we just live in a “judgy” kind of society! 🙂 I pretty much stay away from parenting boards, those are the worst. Organic food vs. normal food, formula vs. breastfeeding debates, and so on. Travel boards aren’t much better either. And don’t get me started on SAHM vs. working mom discussions.
Anyway, I totally hear you. It doesn’t sound like vacations with just your husband are an option, so that’s that. I have two words for you: Kids Club! I have a post coming up on Friday that addresses this topic.
As far as “ the kids won’t even remember the trip” crowd, I agree. We don’t know what tomorrow may bring, so I’m not putting my life on hold in the meantime.
Really spot-on. We didn’t get away together until my eldest was 13. I know that sounds awful, but she is a high-needs, high-anxiety kid and the trauma to me, her, and her caregiver would NOT have been worth it. We just had to grit our teeth and wait. Not everyone has a caregiver that is free and available without reservation. Not everyone has tons of vacation time or resources. It really IS difficult at times to choose between taking family trips (the time with our kids is really so short) and spending time together. And then what if after all that it’s a bust?! Since that first trip, we’ve tried take a weekend once a year to just do what we call “finish a conversation.” Good post.
@Carole I completely agree that getting away is simply not an option for many couples! In fact, I’m working on a post that addresses this situation somewhat.
My write-up assumes that one has the circumstances to pull it off. Every situation is different, but I would hate for people to give up on the idea solely due to what friends or internet “friends” may think of them. We normally get away once or twice per year, but my kids are used to it and don’t seem to mind. I’m sure they think this is what everyone does! 😉
Oh, and I can relate to having a high-anxiety, high-needs child. That totally describes my daughter. Im fortunate that she is very comfortable around my SIL. They are two peas in a pod. In fact, she keep threatening me that she will move in with her as soon as she turns 18.