Warning! Controversial topic ahead: MONEY
This was a recent topic in my local mom’s group on Facebook: Who pays for adult children on a family vacation? We aren’t talking about their own trips by themselves, but rather a vacation that includes all of the family. The definition of adult children could mean young adults in their upper-teens or early 20s all the way up to adult children with families of their own (the grandkids).
Obviously, there is no one right or wrong answer to this question. Every family is different. The responses in the group varied from “they always pay their own way” to “we pay for their part of the vacation including reimbursing them for lost wages.”
Since my oldest child is technically an adult now, this discussion made me think about how my family will tackle this subject.
My Experience as an Adult Child
As a young child, my family took annual vacations, and that travel mindset really stuck with me. Most of our vacations were road trips, but we did fly to Florida a few times for Disney World.
Our summer vacations ended abruptly when I was 14 and my dad lost his job. He was out of work for about a year, and then he took a job that paid less money. We didn’t have any more family vacations during my childhood after that.
Fast forward about 10 years to when I was in my mid-20s. My parents were doing better financially and decided to treat me and my siblings and my sister-in-law to a trip to Disney World. We stayed on-site and had the dining plan. My parents paid for everything except our flights. Compared to our shoe-string budget vacations when we were kids, this trip was pure luxury.
Fast forward another 10 years, and we all met up at Disney World again. This time, I was married with two kids and my brother also had 2 kids, so we were a group of 11. We all paid our own way (flight, park tickets, food) and split the cost of a 4-bedroom condo. This trip was a really great way to spend time with our entire group.
Roughly 10 years later, after my dad passed away, my mom said she wanted us all on a vacation together. She paid for all of us to go on a cruise, although it winded up being two separate cruises and not all of us together. We paid for our flights, hotel and excursions. Those were my mom’s last trips with us before the Pandemic halted travel, and she passed away a few years later. That trip meant a lot to me and my kids.
So, as an adult child, I experienced both “free” i.e. my parents paid and self-paid vacations with my extended family.
Thinking about my own family…
While my kids are still in college, we plan to pay 100% of their family trip costs. With my son’s busy schedule, I’ll be lucky if he’ll give me one week of his year for a family trip. My goal is to get all 5 of us on a trip together once a year.
However, my husband and I will likely start to take some trips without our kids as they get older. We haven’t been able to travel as a couple much since we became parents. We’ve earned it. But, even as our kids get older and start their own families, I’d love to be able to help get all of us together for extended family trips every now and then. I remember what it was like for me in my 20s and 30s when we didn’t have a lot of money to spare for travel.
Miles and points travelers have an advantage here. We are more likely than the average Joe to have a stash of miles and points to help pay for extended family members on a trip.
Something I’ve seen other extended families do is rent a house that’s big enough to fit everyone for a week or even an extended weekend. We could easily do that in Galveston or even in nearby Broken Bow, Oklahoma.
The bottom line is that family vacations are very important to me. Gathering together away from home or experiencing a new place together are great ways to spend time together. If my husband and I are in a position to help facilitate that as our kids get older, whether by using miles or cash, we definitely will.
For those of you with adult kids, how do you handle who pays for family vacations?
Author: Nancy
Nancy lives near Dallas, Texas, with her husband and three kids. Her favorite vacations include the beach, cruising and everything Disney.
So, my mother spoiled my family with wonderful vacations and cruises. I chose to purchase Disney Vacation Club with part of my inheritance, so I could take my children and their families on vacation for years to come. As they grow older, expectations may change….but we will always cover accommodations at Disney until 2054 when our contract expires.
@Mary Anne That sounds wonderful!
My mother has never paid for any of our family trips. But I have paid for my adult children because I like when we all go on vacation together.
@Deva I understand–it’s great when the whole family can go!
My dad ton us on a few vacations as young adults. Loved it. It simplifies things because the guy that pays I’d in charge. No debating where to stay or where to eat. I’m not going to argue with the guy that invited and paid. I say if you can afford to cover adult children, go for it – but only if you can afford it and feel 100% good about it.
My husband’s dad has also occasionally paid for a couple wonderful family vacations. My husband and I find it weird that my brother-in-law seems to have opinions about where to go and where to eat. (Like making father in law restricture itinerary because he’s already been there or his kid can’t handle long car rides etc) We think if you’ve been invited on a free vacation just relax, smile, say thanks, and go have fun with your fam.
@Talchinsky I agree! If you’re being treated, the payer should retain control of the itinerary.
Speaking as an adult child, now with adult children of my own, here’s some examples of how it’s worked in my family –
My extended family (my mom, my sister’s family and my family) has taken 3 trips together completely paid for by my mom. First was a trip to Pigeon Forge/Gatlinberg (in 2009) and we rented a 4 BR unit and all stayed together. She paid for most activities during the week. Second was a Hawaiian cruise and plus a week at Aluani / Oahu (in 2016). She paid for everything except a few meals that she allowed us to pay. Final one was an Alaskan cruise (2023). We were all super appreciative and she’s thankful that she’s able to do that for all of us. They were wonderful weeks.
Other years, my mom has gone with my family on our summer vacation. When that happens, she pays her way and we pay our way. She will occasionally pick up a meal out, but otherwise we she just comes along and is happy to do that and we are happy to have her.
Now that my family is getting older (26, 25 and 21) so far all trips we’ve been on together, we’ve paid for (other than the alaska cruise that my mom paid for). Even though the older two are gainfully employed, at this point, I would feel kind of funny having them pay for their trip if they went with us. That may / probably will change over time. The last trip our family of 5 went on by ourselves (and my mom), was a cruise. One daughter and her boyfriend did some excursions on their own and they did pay for them. Otherwise, we paid for everything including flights and hotels prior to cruise. Points are so helpful in being able to do that!
@Becky Sounds like you’ve had some amazing trips with your extended family!
There are many ways to travel as a family. My rule is to feel positive about it and to budget for extra expenses and “fun” spending while keeping costs low. If family members have less money, have park picnic potluck daytrips (not “vacation” but a leisure trip). Also, even if paying your own way, which I recommend, be aware that the cousins, aunts, and uncles may want the deluxe shore excursion, “top” tour, five-star-restaurant and hotel, whereas I want a more modest version or even skip some activities. An old saying I rarely hear now is, “Don’t run with the rich crowd.” I do not want to be criticized for my hotel or restaurant choice if it is perfectly fine (but modest).
Whenever someone pays for me or I pay for them, it is understood that it is a gift to be cherished. Travel should be a joy, not days on end of friction and having to explain and defend one’s choices in life.
@Sara You bring up some important points! Definitely a good idea to talk about budgets when everyone is paying their own way. When my extended family went to Disney World the second time and we all paid our own way, my husband and I actually stayed fewer days (7 days instead of 10 like the rest of our family) and had some rest days in our itinerary, which helped reduce our expenses.
@Nancy Shorter vacations are enjoyable, less tiring, and cost effective. I have heard, “Why are you staying ‘only’ ___ days.” I go back to places I enjoy. Plus, I don’t get backed up on paper mail, and pets, when I have them, appreciate it too.
@Sara J Yes! My pets appreciate shorter trips. They miss us. 🙂
I don’t have adult kids but…
I’m an adult. Been an adult for a while. If my parents asked about going on vacation, regardless of how old of an adult I am, there is zero expectation for my parents to pay. Because I’m an ADULT. I assume I’m paying for my trip. If I can’t afford it, then I don’t go.
If my parents offer to cover it, I see that as an extremely generous offer and I accept it with utmost gratitude while kissing their feet.
@projectx Good points. I was extremely grateful for those 2 trips that my parents paid for. And grateful for the one we all paid our own way, too. It’s so rare to get all of us (grandparents, kids, spouses, grandkids) all together since we’re in 3 different states. A vacation is a fun way to accomplish it.
The answer depends on who invited others on the vacation and how well off the parent is. If we are talking about parents who earn 150K a year and their kids earn 50K a year or are in school, obviously it makes sense for the parents to pay. Money ideally flows downhill from parents to kids. If parents make 60K a year, then a kid making 100K paying for at least his or her share is more understandable. It depends on every family. Some parents struggle but those who are financially well off should be paying.
@John Yes, there are so many variables involved and different philosophies when it comes to this topic.